Better Together: Holiday challenges in the early days
By Shirley Hickman, volunteer
In the Better Together series, members have shared thoughts about what helps them to cope with their loss. Whether the loss is due to a workplace life-altering injury, illness or death, we all have a lot in common. Each day we work towards a new normal. I encourage you to read the past issues in this Better Together series, to see ways we have learned to live with our trauma and grief.
November is often a challenge for people dealing with grief, especially early grief. Worsening weather and shorter days keep us stuck inside, while calendar dates like Remembrance Day and National Bereavement Day (November 18) all challenge our mental health. Each day we remember our loved ones or how life was before, but these days are public and seem to increase our anxiousness.
In no time, Halloween displays give way to Christmas. We need to have resources to deal with all these occasions. I cannot tell you how you can manage these public days, but we can learn from each other. Over the years, while listening to other Threads of Life members, I sense that between the community commercialism and expectations of family and friends, the holiday season seems to be one of the most difficult to prepare for. What we have all learned is that the weeks ahead are a great challenge.
Charissa’s experience is one many of us have been through: “The first year for me was very, very different. We always entertained our families at Christmas time and hosted Christmas dinner. So, to say the least, Christmas was much quieter. I used to decorate multiple trees, listen to Christmas music while we both decorated the tree together. Brandon used to be in charge of fluffing the tree because he had a better eye for decor. I haven’t put a tree up since I lost Brandon. My house is no longer a home without him here to celebrate with me.”
Each Threads of Life family member has found his or her own best healthy coping strategy. Whether you’re grieving a death or coping with the changes brought by injury or illness, if you’re having a struggle facing the holiday season (or any time), I encourage you to reach out to your Volunteer Family Guide. If you’d like to be connected for one-to-one peer support, contact our Family Support manager Karen Lapierre-Pitts. One value we have in common: we listen to each other and are willing to share. We have learned we are better together.
Joanne shares: That first year without Brent, the joy, the excitement of Christmas gave way to emptiness and deep heartache. Attempting to decorate, through many tears, I asked Brent for a sign that he was near. When I received a sign, comforted and reassured, I set up our usual living room fresh tree and a fake tree in the kitchen. That was decorated with his special collectable ornaments. This has continued for 28 years in memory of Brent and keeps his memory and spirit alive. A few days after Christmas, I hosted our family celebration including friends Jen and Dan and Brent’s girlfriend Emily. Emily shared how Brent deeply loved his family and home. It was bittersweet. Dan surprised us by dressing up as Santa and added humour to our day. Love and support have been a vital part of our healing.
Karen shares: I wanted the season to be over; I was totally rained and clouded with sadness. Somehow mom managed to put up a Christmas tree. Being together with this heavy grief was all we needed. There was an ornament my mother kept and placed on the tree that year that helped me through. My brother Jamie had visited one his favorite late-night pizza shops a few years before he died and brought home a little wooden guitar tree ornament. He came home and tucked it on a branch waiting for someone to notice it. There was a funny story to go along with it that he eventually was able to tell us. You know those contagious laughing fits that start with the storytellers themselves, it was one of those moments, tears rolling down his face, as he re-lived it each time roaring with laughter. That little guitar has been on our tree for the last 26 Christmases and somehow it always brings light and joy to my heart.
My family: I recall that first year how much pain I was feeling, and everyone was struggling. I knew I needed to put up some decorations and I sensed a tree was important to my family, but I couldn’t see how I could decorate it, so I invited friends over for dinner and then I suggested that we decorate the tree after dinner. Everyone got busy and I do not know if anyone was aware that I cleaned up after dinner and did not decorate. A lesson learned. Over the years, we reflect on Tim’s life in a variety of ways. Each year for Christmas, Bob and I give each family member a heritage tree ornament and that gives us a moment to reflect as a family and give thanks.
Better Together – Finding Gratitude Beyond Thanksgiving
Better Together -A September Re-Set
Better Together – What’s on the Barbecue